I find it somewhat hard to believe, but I am already having trouble eating enough points. I thought I would be really starving all day, and it's true that I am hungry more than I used to be when I was eating huge breakfasts and snacks a few hours later (go figure) but I am not as concerned about it as I used to be.
I have a love/hate relationship with hunger. One the one hand, hunger is really bad. I've been hypoglycemic most of my life, and when I get really hungry, I get hangry. But beyond that even. I get so cranky that I sort of lose my mind; I'm irrational and hateful and screamy, and it's just really bad for everyone. It happened to me a lot when I was a kid, because I'd just be going and going and not eat and then suddenly I'd be so hungry that I wouldn't even feel hungry anymore, and then I'd start irrationally insisting that I am not hungry and I don't want to eat anything, stop forcing me I AM FINE. Which of course I wasn't. When I was a little kid I would kick and scream and my mom would literally have to forcefeed me something to get my blood sugar up. And when I was old enough to realize what I was doing, I also realized I couldn't act like that or get that out of control. So I developed lots of mechanisms to deal with that, mostly around eating lots of food regularly. I very very rarely have anything like a hypoglycemic episode anymore. I get cranky if it's been too long since my last meal, just like anyone, and every once in a while I have a megabitch moment, but I know when I need to eat. And, often, I've been eating too much all day, so there's not much chance of my blood sugar being that low.
In the middle, hungry means I need to eat something soon, and I'm working on it meaning that more than the other things. But that's not really very interesting to talk about.
On the other hand, hunger means success. I have only ever felt like I was thin or successful when I was hungry. Hungry means I am depriving myself, controlling my food intake, and burning fat. I don't think it actually means that, but there's a part of me that, when I am dieting, thinks "this is working" only if I can feel that little pang in my stomach, that little "you didn't eat enough" feeling. The one that, if you're at a restaurant, means "Order dessert!" The one that, at 10pm, means "You should have a snack!" If I ignore it, and stay hungry, that means I am winning.
That is all pretty fucked up right there. It looks like the gateway to anorexia, though I am pretty sure I don't need to worry about that, since I haven't gone more than a meal without eating in pretty much my entire life and I don't intend to start now. But the two extremes are definitely psychologically messed up, and unhealthy.
I had a good talk with my mom the other day where I parsed out some of this stuff about hunger. She just gave me a book called Women Food and God, and I haven't cracked it open yet. I think, when I do, I am going to crack open part of me, and I am a little freaked out to do that. But I think it's time I started cracking open some of this stuff, and seeing what the nutty center is to all of these ideas I have about food and my body. It's time to get 'er done.
Back to my point about not being able to eat all my points... Starting a new year with clean eating, I was prepared to be hungry for a good while, and for my points to feel restricting and minimal and insufficient. Instead, on this new points plus program (I am not capitalizing or TMing any of this stuff. WW can sue me), I am finding that I am eating lots of low points foods like healthy fruits and veggies and lean protein, so I am ending the day with extra points. Right now, I am filling some of those points with red wine, which, as a vice, could be worse, but there will come a day when I have to scale that back, too. Right now, though, it's nice to add up all my points and find that I didn't overeat, and almost under-ate for the day. And I didn't feel like I was starving. I just felt like things were ok.
Uh, I also didn't work out again today. If I had exercised, I am pretty sure I would have needed a pretty hearty snack in the mid-afternoon, and goodbye red wine. And my goal is to exercise 5 days a week, which means now I am going to have to work out on my birthday to meet my goal.
So anyway, that's my day.
Dinner tonight:
Grilled marinated pork chops with sweet chili sauce
Roasted butternut squash
Sauteed green beans with sesame/soy/garlic/hoisin sauce
Delicious!
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