Day 24: Monday

Results from last week:

• Exercise: still only about 2x. We took a good walk on Saturday, and I did some yoga here and there. Meh.
• Stuck to my points. Yay!
• Lost 3 pounds for a total of just shy of 9 this month. Yay!

Goals for this week:

• Exercise at least 3x for 30+ minutes.  
• Stick to my points.
• Write here every weekday.

 I exercised today. We walked to the park, and I also did a yoga/strength set on the Wii. It felt nice. I have started adding in some exercises that I don't like to do (because they are haaaaard), and I think I will keep doing that, because it feels nice to do something that seems like it would be unpleasant but turns out to feel good.  I really do enjoy exercise, particularly the yoga poses, once I get started. Can't wait for the weather to warm up just a little more so we can go for a run. I keep saying that, and today was warm enough that I hardly needed a sweatshirt in the sun, so I think it's just about time to get it on.  I might have run today if I had been on my own. I did push the stroller the whole way, which adds a little to the intensity.

Dinner:

Tuna that my dad caught this summer (and froze), marinated in mirin, soy and sesame oil, grilled to medium rare, with a spicy dipping sauce
Roasted green beans
Rice

Day 20: Filling

So yesterday was a tough day, and at the end of it I kept thinking about these ice cream sandwiches that are sitting in my freezer. the fact that they have been there for more than a week untouched is testament to the fact that I am actually exercising some willpower. But yesterday was hard, and by naptime (Jasper's, not mine), I kept thinking that I deserved an ice cream sandwich. AFTER ALL I HAVE BEEN THROUGH (which wasn't that much, just trying to work and take care of Jasper by myself because my mom finally caught our flu and was really sick at home, and I was tired and had a bad headache). But still. I could have one! It would make me feel better about the whole day! Right? Right?

I knew it wouldn't. I knew if I ate it, I would just be using food as a reward for getting through something non-food related. I knew it. I really did. I wasn't even hungry. So I didn't eat one, and I had a sensible snack, and then I had dinner, and then later I convinced myself that an ice cream sandwich was a very sensible and portion controlled kind of dessert, and I had the points, and why not? 

I feel good that I resisted it and didn't have one while I was alone at naptime. That would have been kind of sneaky. But I really shouldn't have had it at all, and here's the thing. I didn't even really enjoy it. It's gluten free, and I was so excited that they tasted just like regular (which they always did -- I ate MANY of these when I was pregnant), only these ones tasted kind of beany like gluten free stuff gets sometimes, and I was eating and eating and not really loving it, and toward the end I was just eating it to get it out of my hands (god forbid I throw it away). And then I tracked it in WW and discovered it had even more points than I thought under the new system, and it threw off my flex points for the rest of the week, and argh.

Today I was doing great and sticking to the plan, and then I got a latte (a small one) which is fine, but then we also had burgers and fries for dinner and I ate too much burger with too much bun and too much mayo, and WHY? I do not know, but I did it. So now I am overfull and I blew my points even more (not catastrophic. I just have barely a handful of flex points to get me to Saturday. Means I have to exercise or eat less food) and wondering what is wrong with me. Mostly what is wrong with me is that I am not making the best food choices. I should be having a giant salad instead of a hamburger bun. And I should not be eating bread that is 3 points a slice. And I should really, REALLY, just leave the rest of the ice cream sandwiches alone, because they aren't worth it. I want to keep losing weight, and if that means no ice cream sandwiches this year, so be it.

Oh, I also got my filling done on my tooth, and I was freaked out and panicky, but I did it. I do think it contributed to wanting comfort food tonight, though. I just wanted to feel good, and full feels good. But overfull like I am right now doesn't feel good, so I have to start keeping that in mind, too.

Oh, one more thing. I bought myself new mascara and some hair product today. I want to keep focusing on non-food rewards, and I really needed some new mascara. Hoping this one is actually not clumpy with a good brush. The last one I bought I wanted to stab someone in the eye with, it was so pointy and clumpy and weird.

Day 18: PMS

Yesterday I was really wanting one of those ice cream sandwiches that I resisted so easily last week. I wanted something; I was unsatisfied and grumpy (this happens once a month... you know how it is). I told toph I really was thinking about ice cream. he said, "You've already eaten a lot of points today, you told me that an hour ago."  He was right. I had told him. Which was good, because it helps to keep me accountable. Used to be, I wouldn't tell him how much progress I was making or if I was sort of failing or flaking out, because then he would know, and stop me when I wanted ice cream.  Now, he knows when I've had enough (because I tell him) and when I try to go off plan, he stops me, because I want him to, and because he wants to support me.

So that's a little win.

I stuck to my points today, rather more easily, and didn't have ice cream even though I wanted some. I'm still sort of PMSing, which is why the ice cream seems like such a damn good idea, but now that I know that's what is happening, it will be easier to manage.

We ended up off plan for dinner, which happens. We went to see a friend's brand new baby, and had to hurry to get there at a good time for her.  So dinner was tacos from King Burrito, but I was very reasonable and didn't get anything with cheese, and gave Jasper most of my sour cream. Small choices add up, right?

Day 17

Missed a few days (eek -- I just looked at my last posts and it's been almost a week!) last week because I got sick. I never did throw up or have any real problems, but I was queasy and then fevery and really tired. toph stayed home on Thursday to take care of me and Jasper, and I took two naps and lounged about all day. It was actually quite nice, except for the part where I felt really lousy and couldn't do anything more laborious than walk to the bathroom without needing to lie down afterward.

A minor win: I asked toph to bring me juice and some ice cream, because I felt like I could only handle really mild stuff for my stomach. I ended up drinking a small glass of the juice, and not even touching the ice cream! I tracked my points the entire time, too.  And, even though I feel like I hardly ate for two days, I actually ate most of my points both days. It's just that I was eating small amounts of comfort foods (grilled cheese sandwiches) instead of lots of vegetables.

I also finished another week, so here are my results:

• Stuck to my points (2 weeks in a row!)
• Lost 2.9 pounds! Thanks, stomach flu, for making me not want to eat the world for a few days
• Exercised twice

Blah. Exercise is still getting the better of me. I did do some nice yoga workouts on the Wii, and I'd like to expand that this week.  The weather is back to cold and rainy (from freezing cold and windy), which is not much of an improvement. I am really looking forward to warmer spring weather, as I think that will inspire me to get outside again and start walking/running. At some point I am just going to have to put on a sweatshirt and get out there, but right now I am feeling ok about taking things slow as long as I keep making progress.

My mom and I talked last week about maybe doing an alternating schedule of a week of really being strict about the program, eating cleanly (no sugar, lots of veggies, no booze), and exercising regularly (5x/week), and then taking a week of a more relaxed program like I've been doing so far. What always intimidates me about giving up things like wine and potatoes and pasta is the idea of being without them for a long time. Maybe if I can give them up for a week at a time, I can start to extend the time inbetween slowly, rather than going cold turkey. I know the best thing is just to stop eating that stuff, because eating it makes you want to eat more of it, but I know that when I feel deprived, it's just a matter of time before I go off the wagon. If I KNOW when the deadline is and I plan for it, maybe I'll be able to stick with it.

That all sounds like a lot of negotiation. I sometimes feel like I should be able to have more willpower and just suck it up and really commit. But I know myself, and my life, and I want to set up something that will be successful long term, not a really clean program that I stick to for 3 weeks, drop 15 pounds, and then spend 4 months off program gaining them back.  Which I have done I don't even know how many times.

One thing I do want to do is stop eating so much beef, though. We really like steak, and ground beef is really handy. But lately we are having beef a few times a week, and that seems like too much. Ideally I would love a vegetarian meal once a week that felt like enough protein to me.  I'll have to keep looking at that. I tend to default to cheese as my vegetarian protein, but it's not like it's any healthier than meat!

Day 11: The Dentist

The entire day wasn't actually about the dentist, but in my head it was. I was nervous and feeling worried about what was going to have to happen to my tooth, and also how much it was going to cost. When I finally sat down in the chair, Dr. Dave looked in my mouth and said "Well, will you look at that?!? Wow!" And then we took a terrifying picture of it ("This oughta do it for the insurance company," he said as he viewed it. "It looks awful. Much worse than it really is.") and talked about my options. He said that normally he'd put a crown on a tooth like that, but since it's not a tooth I use (it's a wisdom tooth and doesn't line up with any of my other teeth), we can try just putting a big filling over the places where it's exposed, and that should do it, at least until I am ready for a crown or want to have it removed.

So you don't want to extract it," I quavered, afraid to give him any ideas.

"Oh, gosh, no, I don't want to pull it.  I wouldn't do that to you," he said.  One of the many reasons why we all love Dr. Dave.

As I was making my appointment, I was chatting with the receptionist and said that I get a little shaky for things like this, so I was going to make toph come and hold my hand. "Oh, no problem," she chirped. "Since someone is driving you, just have Dr. Dave call you in some Valium. Takes the edge right off!" One of the other reasons to love Dr. Dave!

So next week I'll go back, take a Valium, get numbed up, and he'll drill a bit and then patch this thing up.  He said if it's not hurting, it probably won't, and that this was likely inevitable from the size of the filling in it. (Which was put in in 2003. We were both amazed it was that long ago!)

The rest of the day was fretting about the baby (who is totally recovered from his tummy bug, but if he made a funny sound I was on alert!) and fretting about the appointment, and then recovering from not needing to fret anymore.


Dinner:

Pho Van:
Salad rolls, a garlic chicken wing, pork and shrimp rice noodle bowl, and some carmelized garlic pork and green beans that were astonishing. I could have eaten pounds of it. As it was, I let toph demolish it and kept things reasonable. Overall, delicious. And watching Jasper play with chopsticks was a hoot.

Day 10: A New Week

Results from last week:

• Stuck to my points (but just barely) even though it was my birthday
• Lost just shy of 2 pounds (1.9, that totally rounds up)
• Exercised twice

The exercise is the one I am most bummed about, but I figure that not trying to add too many new things to my routine is ok right now.  I definitely want to get more exercise this week, though!

Unfortunately we are being plagued by minor health issues. I cracked a tooth (my left lower wisdom tooth, already a shell from a giant cavity years ago -- my wisdom teeth are the only ones with cavities) and will probably have to have it pulled, so I am unexpectedly going to the dentist tomorrow.

This afternoon after his nap, Jasper started throwing up, and wasn't able to keep anything down for several hours. We went way minimal and started doing the teaspoon of water every 10 minutes once he hadn't thrown up for an hour, and now he hasn't (knock wood) thrown up in almost 2 hours.  I let him nurse a little bit, and now we're trying to get him to sleep for a while. If he can manage that, we can start him on something a little more substantial, though still liquid. Probably thinned out yogurt or something. 

It is really hard for me to see him so upset. When he was being sick, he just looked betrayed, bewildered. He doesn't understand what it means to vomit, only that it sucks.  And then being denied food and drink on top of it... he hasn't had food since lunchtime and he threw all of that up.  He is tired and hungry and sick and even though he was a trooper this evening, I am sure he has about had it. It was such a relief to nurse him because I was able to just give him what he needed for a minute; I could feel the relief in my own body.  I hope he'll sleep for a little while.

So we are all embroiled in that. I made a delicious dinner, and toph and I really enjoyed it, though I felt terrible that we had to keep telling Jasper he couldn't have any of it.

Dinner:

Sauteed chicken sausage, kale, shallot, and roasted red peppers, simmered in marinara with lemon peel, over soft polenta, with a little parmesan on top. SO good.

Day 7: Pizza

Well, the dinner party went great. We had a nice time and I ate probably a little too much, but I managed to keep it pretty reasonable. I still have enough points to have sushi for lunch tomorrow and stick to my points for the week.

I would write more, but I am full of pizza and grilled shrimp (I did stay away from most of the cheese and high fat items), and also a little tipsy (I did not stay away from the wine). 

Our friends were fun, and it was not as stressful as I thought it would be, and everything worked out ok in the end. I am calling it a day. I am also calling it the last evening of 35, as my birthday starts at 2:08am.  Hurray for birthdays!

I'm out.